Tuesday, May 02, 2006

 

Fog of War

I go to war this evening. Apparently that's how one of my mooting competitors treats such occasions. Wish me luck!

I remember blogging about how anonymity would allow a blog viewer to see the real me. The interesting thing is, that if a random person wandered' off the street' onto my blog they'd only see one side. The side I am unwilling to show in public.

My public face is actually a very real part of my personality. There are some interesting contradictions in this blog:

I am alone, yet I have two great female friends. I consider myself as ugly as John Prescott yet I have friends who tell me the exact opposite. I have made extremely bad decisions with regard to my studies, and lied about them. Yet there are references to public position, competing at a famous international business competition littered throughout my blog entries. Plus, somehow in the midst of my mental semi-breakdown I have managed to attain a high enough GPA to tutor whilst still being an undergrad!

If one blogs anonymously, one is more tempted to talk about the things one would not dare to say in public. In doing so, the reader of the anonymous blog gets to see the 'hidden' you but doesn't really get a good understanding of you at all. In some ways they get to see as much of you as the public does. The public sees the public persona but doesn't recognise the private one. The private blog reader is in the opposite situation.

I shall try to blog about the positive as well as the negative from now on (not least because writing continuously about how shit my life is, is depressing me further!). Hmm.. maybe I should make this blog my personal blog & devote the other one (which bears my name) entirely to politics.

Monday, May 01, 2006

 

Wonder what black and white looks like..

Must be beautiful to see the world in black & white. No need for subtle greys recognising slight differences in tone and situation. You know like the fact that there might be some differences between 1930s Germany and 2006 Iran.

Why is it that we cannot take action against a state anymore without making a billion inappropriate nazi analogies?

 

Saw Ciska again

While I was 'doing' (I put it in quotation marks because I didn't even finish it..) my corporate entities assignment in the law library. At least, I think I saw her. Black jersey, white shirt. I didn't go up to her, didn't want to be distracted. After a while however, I discovered that I did want to be distracted. Went to the spot where she had been but she had...gone....

She looked like she was highlighting one of the infamous spiral bound course material books the law school is world reknown for. So.. maybe she's studying law? I know her mother is. That would be bad, attending law school at the same time as your mother. Still, what with kids getting pregnant younger and younger these days, I guess some kids are getting that experience at the high school level!

My corporate entities assignment is now officially overdue.

 

Sheree

There are two girls who have been fantastic friends to me, & have helped build my confidence with girls: Sheree & The Russian (OBVIOUSLY these names are fake!). Both are highly sought after commodities. In fact if they ever form a NYSE for girls, these ones will be at the top of the index. They have it all: brains, beauty, generous personalities, and honesty.

More on the Russian later.... however, for now I'll just say this: she's the one who's referred to in the 'Danie' post before...

Sheree has been a longtime friend, but only recently (since a rather painful breakup with her boyfriend) have we become closer. Here's an MSN convo I had with her that illustrates what a great person she is!:

[21:02] Me: haha well my list wud prolly be the same as any guy's list though with sum poss additions
[21:02] Sheree: lol such as
[21:02] Sheree: nice ass? haha typical! please tell me u're more than that
[21:02] Me: I mean every guy is shallow, so obv. looks plays a part (I mean guys.. huuullloo). But I'm not THAT fussed
[21:02] Sheree: lol
[21:03] Sheree: yeh wel it helps if u're attracted to the person.
[21:03] Me: ok well glad that didn't cum off as that shallow...
[21:03] Me: I like politics geeks :)
[21:03] Me: or @ least ppl who r curious about that kind of stuff
[21:03] Sheree: trust me... i'v been havning out with guys so much, i know wot they talk about
[21:04] Me: well read is gd
[21:04] Sheree: yeh well u gota be compatible
[21:04] Sheree: and u're a nerd so ... go figure
[21:04] Sheree: lol :P jkz
[21:04] Me: haha, no I FULLY know I'm a nerd, so no qualms there
[21:04] Sheree: k...so she be pretty, intelligent... and wot else
[21:04] Sheree: haha
[21:04] Me: like it wud b gd if they'd been into a bookstore more than once
[21:04] Sheree: lol@u
[21:04] Sheree: yeh
[21:04] Me: or knew wat a book was
[21:05] Sheree: hahaha that'd be a good start
[21:05] Me: I think I really like confident chicks :)
[21:06] Me: like who're not afraid 2 go out & say hello, u know sociable
[21:06] Sheree: yeh
[21:06] Sheree: and not stuck up
[21:06] Me: yeah... though a little bit of arrogance is ok
[21:07] Me: if the chick is quite intelligent & attractive arrogance is OK (I mean wat reason wud they have NOT 2b arrogant)
[21:07] Sheree: lol
[21:07] Sheree: haha true but in a humourous way i hope
[21:07] Me: sum1 who talks a lot
[21:07] Me: in2 movies!
[21:07] Me: oh yeah funny wud b gd!
[21:07] Sheree: lol yeh
[21:07] Sheree: well sounds pretty normal
[21:08] Sheree: welllllllllll u go to so manyyy events where u can meet girls like this
[21:08] Sheree: hasn't one ever caught ur attention
[21:08] Me: if they shared some of my niche interests th@ wud b gd 2 (e.g. Coen Bros Movies)
[21:08] Me: yes several hav caught my attention!
[21:08] Sheree: haha
[21:08] Sheree: hahahaha
[21:08] Sheree: *honest answer
[21:08] Sheree: well then what stops u
[21:09] Me: I'm not gd enuf :S
[21:09] Me: also, turns out one of the ones I was rly in2 had a boyfriend already
[21:09] Sheree: wwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhatttttttttttttttttttt
[21:09] Sheree: lolllllll
[21:09] Sheree: well that wud be a start
[21:09] Sheree: establish if they're single! first move.
[21:10] Me: lolz, ppl generally don't carry a 'I'm single' sign around but yeah...
[21:10] Sheree: haha
[21:10] Sheree: well that's a sign
[21:10] Sheree: if a guy asks u "so......... r u seeing anyone rite now"
[21:10] Sheree: lol tells a girl "hey...he's interestd"
[21:10] Sheree: lol
[21:10] Sheree: but it's safe for the guy to say so.... coz its just a question
[21:11] Me: hmm.. u kno I don't think I cud say that with a straight face
[21:11] Me: lol I'm sorry!
[21:11] Sheree: haha what for
[21:11] Sheree: nah it's cool.. maybe i cud giv u a few tips yeh
[21:11] Sheree: lol
[21:11] Sheree: see...how u know if a girl is keen on u
[21:11] Sheree: can u tell?
[21:11] Me: nope, no idea
[21:11] Sheree: lol
[21:12] Sheree: well... there's a fine line...
[21:12] Sheree: but u juz gotta risk it sometimes.
[21:12] Sheree: thre are some people who r just nice all the time.. smiley, polite... attentive.
[21:12] Sheree: but some guys take it the wrong way.
[21:12] Sheree: oh i dunno.. lol u shud juz know?
[21:13] Me: yeah see thos b the tricky 1s! Almost always the gregarious, intelligent 1s I go for are those types!
[21:13] Sheree: yeahhh
[21:13] Sheree: ok lets see
[21:13] Sheree: in reality..the type of girls u're after.... they wont let it out that they like someone
[21:13] Sheree: hahaha
[21:13] Sheree: they're too smart for that.
[21:13] Me: stupid intelligence...
[21:13] Sheree: u cud ask them if they wanna go for coffee or smthing sometime
[21:13] Sheree: see what they say
[21:14] Me: lolz I ALWAYS catch coffee with girls
[21:14] Sheree: lol@stupid intelligence
[21:14] Sheree: hahaha YEAHHHHHHHHH but make it sound more exclusiveeeeee
[21:14] Sheree: not that they're just one of ur gal pals
[21:14] Me: wud u like 2 cum 2 my private coffee shop madam??
[21:14] Sheree: hahahahahahaha
[21:14] Sheree: lol
[21:14] Sheree: LOL funny! hehehe
[21:14] Sheree: no egg!
[21:15] Sheree: like... hey so wanna catch dinner sometime?
[21:15] Sheree: but.. more in a "hey i like u" kinda tone
[21:15] Sheree: lol
[21:15] Me: oh yeah THAT tone
[21:15] Sheree: first question tho i think u gotta know if they're single
[21:15] Sheree: lol@that tone.
[21:15] Me: I know that tone, that's why I'm talking 2 u about this
[21:15] Sheree: hahahaha
[21:15] Sheree: hey im not that bad ok
[21:15] Sheree: im tryin to help u here! jeez..no appreciation
[21:15] Me: hahah, no I appreciate it, seriously!
[21:15] Sheree: lol
[21:15] Me: u kno I can't help myself!
[21:16] Me: plz carry on
[21:16] Sheree: haha yeah..when it comes to me, the insults just pour otu lol
[21:16] Sheree: k well, u say u like confidence... u gotta be confident too.
[21:16] Sheree: what's the worst that cud happen? they'll say no? big deal... plenty more fish in the sea!
[21:16] Me: well either th@ or it cud b weird
[21:16] Me: OR they cud tell sum1 else I asked them
[21:17] Sheree: haha so what?
[21:17] Sheree: u gotta act like u dnt care
[21:17] Sheree: it's just a question. not like u're head over heels for them.
[21:17] Sheree: if they get a big head.. uknow they werent rite for u in the first place. RIGHT???
[21:17] Me: well THAT wud b embarassing. I guess I'm more afraid of 'why-did-you-think-i-would-ever-say-yes-to-you' kind of a response
[21:18] Sheree: lol
[21:18] Sheree: come on ure an awesome guy! im sure heaps of girls have had crushes on u... but u never clickd!!!!!
[21:18] Sheree: u're a catch! trust me... u're rare :)
[21:18] Me: lolz rly???
[21:18] Me: becoz I sooo don't think of myself as such
[21:18] Sheree: hahahaha
[21:18] Sheree: CONFIDENCE???
[21:19] Sheree: omg.. u're such an awesome friend, u're so sweet, u'r a total crack up, sensitive..yet stil got ur boyish charms... and u're handsome too.
[21:19] Sheree: what's not to like
[21:19] Sheree: im sure girls hav had crushes on ya
[21:19] Sheree: u're just too DUH to see it
[21:19] Me: ohhh man Sheryl u r sooo nice
[21:20] Sheree: im being honest! i can't believe u didn't know this already
[21:20] Me: that's the nicest thing any1s ever said that about me!
[21:20] Sheree: awww (})
[21:20] Sheree: well it's true :)
[21:20] Sheree: u know something...
[21:21] Sheree: like when i met u... u were dissing me all the time... lol so sarcastic...
[21:21] Sheree: i used to think "omg... he's so mean" lol.. i told u too
[21:21] Sheree: haha
[21:21] Sheree: but then, it was so easy to see u were so much more than that... it was almost as if u are tryin to hide a part of u
[21:21] Sheree: or maybe u're just careful as to who u get close to...fair enough.
[21:22] Me: the truth is the latter
[21:22] Sheree: but i always felt u were a soft person inside... u were tryin to put on a persona of a hard ... i dnt care ... kinda thing

 

Damn you Danie!

Man, I am so jealous of Danie: good looks, charm, generosity, money. And on top of that, he has to go for the one girl who doesn't care about ANY of that stuff! Of course she's going to be enraptured by his goods! Who wouldn't be?!

The one girl who is sooo hot, kind, adorable, loving, doesn't care about looks (as evidenced by the fact that she went to the Law Ball with ME), & whom I might have had a chance with (she keeps saying that I'm good looking, engaging, & charismatic!).

Damn you Danie!

 

I am alone

I am depressed right now. No idea why, I can feel my heart clenching.. this must be what it feels like to have one of Tony Soprano's anxiety attacks. Have tried to alter my breathing as suggested and seems to be dissapating now.

Still doesn't combat the depression. I am alone.

An email just landed in my inbox. I forgot to return some chairs we (let's just call us 'X') borrowed from the other Chalet for a meeting. Apparently there was a series of emails between person that supervises us (Person A) & the members of the other chalet about it. Then the members of the other chalet opened our office on Friday and found the missing chairs. They've now sent an email reading:

Hi Person A,

A discovered the missing chairs in the X chalet on Friday; I didn't have time to chase anyone up on the reasons for taking them without returning...

Thanks,
Quentin

If that wasn't bad enough the response from our defender was:

Hi Quentin
Thanks for letting me know. That is unacceptable and inconsiderate. I've copied this email to the exec team.
If X is resposible, I apologise on the X's behalf and will let them know they've burned a good bridge relationship.

thanks
Person A

BURNED A GOOD BRIDGE RELATIONSHIP?!?! Talk bout overFUCKING reacting. I mean they are CHAIRS for fucks sake!!!

University staff have too much fucking time on their hands.

 

I want to fuck Ciska

There, I said it! Much more of a release than masturbation!

I saw her briefly when I was coming out of the library. She didn't notice me. At first, I didn't notice her, only after she had passed me did my brain fully absorbed what had passed.

She is an attractive, petite, blonde. Her surname is Scandinavian which should give you some indication of how hot she is. Truth be told, I've met a lot hotter since high school. However, she represents something to me: forbidden fruit.

Nobody at my high school ever thought of me as date-worthy material. A girl like Ciska would have been way out of my league. However, we both took chapel duty together (we were both prefects) and we seemed to hit it off. I was contemplating asking her to the ball but discovered one day whilst we were talking that she had a boyfriend (which is generally a good indication that I would have been turned down..). Dating attractive people, or anybody at all for that matter, was the exclusive preserve of the jocks.

I looked up her name in the student mailer and found her web address. However, I don't really want to randomly email her, I want our meeting to seem accidental (we haven't seen one another for five years!).

Recent events and comments from some of my friends who are girls (i.e. girls who are not girl friends) have suggested that I might even have a shot this time, provided she hasn't already got a boyfriend.. (more on these events/comments later..).

 

Prescott inspires me

Haven't posted anything about my love life yet (it is only the 1st day of my blog after all!). There isn't any.. but that's not to say I don't want there to be.

I have been reading Cactus Kate's blog about Prescott's affair. I must say at first glance I was inspired by Prescott. I consider myself fat & ugly. My nose is all wrong (plus I have hairs that are growing on it..I suspect no one can see them though). I am fat and hairy. I refrain from going to the beach because I don't want to take my shirt off for the shame of it. I also think I'm the wrong ethnicity to be attractive.

If you take a look at Prescott's woman-on-the-side, she is actually quite attractive... in fact there's almost something Sharon Stone-esque about her (though maybe that's just me).

Anyway, I heard about this affair quite a while ago and I was inspired by the fact that even if I haven't had a girlfriend yet.. in the future it is entirely possible that I might have a hot girlfriend as well as a hot mistress.

I hope what she says about the desirability of people like me isn't true.. otherwise I'm fucked.

 

Assignments and Lies

Hi guys, I'm staring down the barrel.. again. I have hidden this fact from everyone I know. I failed my 3rd year of Law. In fact, in theory I actually failed my 2nd year of law, as the papers I failed in my 3rd year were actually 2nd year ones due to the way I had arranged my degree. The law school had the right to stop me from re-enrolling in Law, and they almost exercised it.

This topped off a years worth of lying. In B Semester of 2004 I was a prominent competitor, at a prominent international business competition and went to Barcelona for it. Unfortunately, my studies went down the tubes. My Law Papers were 'fine' (I took C & C+ grades..) but I didn't attend any of my management lectures. Due to some bullshitting about Medical status and so forth I was able to take 'WDs' (withdrawals) from ECON204 and 314. Which is a shame as 314 is a paper I really wanted to take and 204 is a compulsory paper that I will need to take again. The truth is, it wasn't the commitments it was the math that scared me. I can bullshit my way through so many classes based around english but Maths I can never bullshit. Somehow, despite these withdrawals, I was invited to become a tutor for economics.. (prior to 2004 I was actually a high performing student) which I did & which screwed things up further. I handed assignments back late to my classes, I didn't actually know the material because I didn't really do all that well in ECON202 or 100, and I pretended that I had a family emergency that made me uncontactable so that I could mark my backlog of unmarked assignments.

I have been given a second chance due to a letter I wrote to the Dean of Law requesting re-admission. The conditions of my probation were: a) high attendance at lectures & tutorials, b) completion of all my assignments, c) that I meet my Academic Advisor, and d) some self-imposed conditions that involved me quitting my work & tutoring.

I have been encountering some major stresses in hiding all of this from everyone:

I have been putting off meeting with my Academic Advisor as it is a lecturer who I actually know and who respects me. I don't want her to know as I'm afraid of the shame. I recently got a reminder letter so a meeting looks inevitable.

I have not attended any of my LAW II lectures. I have friends in my LAW II classes and I don't want them to see me. I have attended all of my LAW II tutorials except for a Juris one I missed out on by accident (I thought it was at 4pm as opposed to 3). I basically had to hope & pray that none of my tutorials had anybody I knew in it. I figured that no one I knew would go for a Friday 3pm Juris tut, and I knew that one person in my circle of friends worked after 3pm Wed-Fri, so that led me to my 2pm Contracts tut. I figured no one would be able to be able to tell whether I attended lectures or not.

Okay.. so why am I staring down the barrel AGAIN? Well, at the moment I have a corporate entities assignment that is due today, & that I haven't started. Tomorrow, I have to compete at the semi-finals of the Law School's mooting competition. In the prelims, I winged it & somehow managed to make it through without reading any cases. However, I haven't even made contact with my mooting partner and my moot is tomorrow. In fact, I'm a little surprised my partner hasn't made contact with me. I have to hope to god that my partner hasn't been preparing for a separate issue.

 

Why?

No rant can ever be truly honest unless it's anonymous. No chance of reprisal, no chance of litigation, and no chance of embarassment amongst one's peers.

Also due to my current position and future aspirations it is entirely possible that if I revelaed my identity & confessed any of the stuff I'm about to confess, it would come back to bite me in 10 years time. All of our thoughts are being archived and spidered via the Google Empire. I have done relatively little in my time on this earth but already I have links to my name where I'd rather have none.

I have another blog where I put on my public face, smile, and link like Michelle Malkin.

Some of this stuff may seem very minor..some of this stuff I know is wrong yet make no apologies for. This blog is not for you, and it's not a letter asking for forgiveness, it's here so that I know that someone somewhere (even if it be a spam bot) understood who I really was (even if they didn't know what my name was). Who knows, someone may even put two and two together.

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